


Beautiful Catastrophe

by epiphanybix



Series: Pynch College AU [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: A Kiss Will Be Shared, Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Alive Noah, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Like really minor, M/M, Minor Joseph Kavinsky, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Past Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish, Please Don't Hate Me, Post-Break Up, Why Isn't There A Warning For Bad Endings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 09:52:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12478880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epiphanybix/pseuds/epiphanybix
Summary: “This is just like old times,” Noah smiled, relaxing onto Gansey’s shoulder, “I missed this.”“Yeah,” Adam muttered, “just like old times.”Or Alternatively: Adam Parrish leaves Henrietta because he doesn't like feeling the feelings he's feeling. But Henrietta follows him so he has to feel all the feelings he's been avoiding feeling because he's bad at feelings.





	Beautiful Catastrophe

Fine arts was not the course Adam Parrish had applied to college for.

He checked his timetable again. Biochemistry. Room 1.2. He checked the door again. Room 1.2. He was in the right building, wasn’t he? He was. Yet here he was. Standing in the doorway to a class on fine arts. 

His eyes roamed the room, searching for any sign of his own class, when they snagged on a familiar set of hunched shoulders. Something snagged in his throat, breath catching unevenly as he took in the shaved head of his ex-boyfriend, Ronan Lynch. What was he doing here? The last he knew, Lynch was in Henrietta, working on his parents’ farm. The last he knew, Lynch was dating Noah Czerny and they were perfectly happy together. The last he knew, Lynch was a distant memory that he’d sworn never to remember again. 

He thought he’d left his old life far, far behind. 

Ronan’s head turned, as though sensing his gaze, and Adam’s breath stopped once more. Those blue eyes- eyes that he’d seen filled with tears, love, hate- were staring right at him once more. 

Adam turned and ran. 

**

It wasn’t until lunch that he noticed Gansey. 

He was sat on one of the benches outside the library, a notebook on his lap as he flicked through the pages of a book. At his feet sat Blue Sargent, her eyes closed as she leaned against his knee. And there, there, there, next to them both, his fair hair windswept, was Noah Czerny. 

Noah spotted him across the grass, and his face transformed into a huge smile. “Parrish!” he called, waving him over. Both Gansey and Blue turned to him then, their expressions stunned but delighted. 

Adam had thought he’d left Henrietta behind. But here it was, coming to find him.

He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. 

“Look at you, Parrish, you handsome devil!” Gansey beamed, bumping his fist, “I haven’t seen you for what, a year now? Fancy us going to the same college.” 

“Yeah, it’s been a while,” Adam smiled painfully, trying hard not to look at Noah. 

“Where did you go? What happened?” Blue asked, taking his hand and dragging him down to sit with her. 

“I just… had to get out…” Adam stammered lamely, but the others all had understanding faces. They knew about his father. They thought that’s why he had left. 

Well, that was partly the reason.

“At least we’re all here now,” Gansey sighed happily, “we missed you. Oh hey, Ronan’s here as well.”

Adam tried to school his expression to something akin to surprise. 

“Yeah, we know,” Blue rolled her eyes, “Lynch got into college. Shocker.”

“He studies Fine Arts,” Noah intercepted, “he should be coming soon, he’ll be buzzin to see you.” 

Adam swallowed nervously. Noah’s blasé tone, the casual nuances to his words… Ronan hadn’t told him. Hadn’t told anyone. 

Their relationship had been fleeting, beautiful, catastrophic, like a rose slowly growing itself to death. They’d kept it quiet, not needing to shout to the world that they were in love, because the world would have screamed back that it was a disaster in the making. It had been. Adam wished it had never happened. That he’d never fallen in love. 

He still had a white jagged scar on his forehead from the crash. 

“Ronan!” Gansey called out, waving manically as a shadowed silhouette of a boy made his way over to them. Adam tried hard not to look at the sharp lines of his face, the curl of his tattoo peeking out of his tank top, the gritted teeth bared in a grimace. 

“Wasn’t aware I’d walked into a fucking time machine,” he flopped down next to Gansey, tone careless, but his eyes were wary on Adam.

Adam looked away.

“This is just like old times,” Noah smiled, relaxing onto Gansey’s shoulder, “I missed this.”

“Yeah,” Adam muttered, “just like old times.”

**  
He slammed himself into the driver’s seat of the Hondayota, fists clenched, body heaving with ragged breaths. He couldn’t think past the red wave of anger in his head, couldn’t see past the crimson haze of fury in his vision. He punched the steering wheel, once, twice, the horn blaring loudly each time. Then he tore out of the driveway of the Barns for the last time, out onto the road, pedal floored, tears blurring his eyes as he screamed, screamed, screamed. Screamed for Ronan, for his broken heart, for his four-year-old self the first time he’d been hit. For his mom, for Gansey, for Blue, for Noah. For every time he’d held back tears, or held in words, or held back a punch. He was crying so furiously he didn’t see the oncoming headlights of the white Mitsubishi until they were glaring into his eyes. And by then it was too late. 

He woke up in the hospital three days later. Ronan hadn’t come. 

That’s when he knew it was truly over.

**

Adam sat up in bed, chest heaving. 

He padded through to the bathroom, pushing sweat slicked hair from his eyes as he splashed cold water on his face. His reflection in the mirror was pale, circles dark beneath his eyes, eyes that were dull and lifeless. He didn’t recognise himself. He didn’t even know who he was anymore. Who was he without Gansey, Blue, Noah, without Ronan? Who was he without his Henrietta roots and the dirt beneath his fingernails? Adam Parrish, army of one. What a fool he was. 

He slipped his worn sneakers on, making his way down to the common area. The room was empty, quiet, a fan in the corner cooling the sweat from his skin. 

He sank down into one of the sofas, curling up tightly as he allowed himself to think it. 

I love Ronan Lynch.

What an absolute fool he’d been.

They were arguing. It was normal, a recurrence. They were Adam Parrish and Ronan Lynch. Of course they were arguing. 

But then Ronan said something that changed everything.

“Do you even love me?” He snapped, arms folded, everything about him menacing. But his eyes were vulnerable, questioning.

“What kind of a question is that?” Adam hissed, copying his boyfriend’s posture. 

“Do you?” Ronan’s voice was louder, fear threading through the fury. 

“I-” Adam faltered, words stumbling, “I don’t- I don’t know.”

Ronan’s arms slumped to his sides, brow furrowing, “you don’t know?”

“Ronan, I have no idea what love feels like…” Adam ran a hand through his hair, feeling suddenly exposed.

“Don’t use that bullshit excuse,” Ronan’s venom was back, contempt distorting his features, “don’t use fucking excuses, I just want the truth Adam. Do you fucking love me or not? Cos if not get the fuck out.”

Adam took a step back, so fierce was Ronan’s pain. “You think that’s it?” Adam was furious himself now, “you think I’m using the way my father abused me as an excuse? That’s sick, Ronan.” He jabbed a finger towards his boyfriend, “it’s easy for you, you grew up loved. I didn’t. I don’t even know what the fuck love is. So no, I don’t love you Ronan.”

“Get out,” Ronan muttered, eyes cold and miserable, “just get the fuck out.”

Adam had been in the hospital for three weeks recovering from the accident. Not once did Ronan visit him. Not once did he get a phone call from the Barns. No apologies. Nothing.

Kavinsky was dead. 

Adam had to live his whole life knowing he was the one who killed him. 

What made it worse was Gansey coming to pick him up, to take him back to St Agnes, trying to be cheerful as he caught Adam up on all the happenings in Henrietta. 

Noah Czerny had asked Ronan Lynch out in the Aglionby parking lot.

Ronan had said yes. 

It was a harmless statement. Gansey hadn’t known. No-one had. But it was a thorn to his heart all the same. 

Adam sighed, standing up to turn the fan off as goose bumps shivered along his skin. 

“Leave it on,” a voice said. 

Adam turned around slowly, tensing as his eyes met those of Ronan Lynch.

“Couldn’t sleep?” his tone was casual, hands in the pockets of his sweats. Adam just stared, opening his mouth to ask what the fuck Ronan thought he was doing, talking to him, after everything, but all that came out was a choked sound. Oh fuck, was he crying? He was crying. He was. In front of Ronan Lynch. Like an absolute idiot. 

“Shit,” Adam felt a hand on his shoulder as he covered his face, trying to muffle his cries, “Parrish, hey, come on.” He felt himself being pulled into a hug, warmth covering every inch of him as the scent of Ronan engulfed him. When was the last time he’d been hugged? It had been over a year. That last night, in the Barns. Before everything had gone wrong. 

“I hate you,” Adam mumbled against his chest, tears leaking onto his shirt, “I fucking hate you.”

“Feelings mutual Parrish,” Ronan muttered. 

“You’re a bastard,” Adam pushed him away, wiping his face furiously, “you’re an absolute bastard and I’m an idiot for loving you after everything.”

Ronan froze, eyes widened as he absorbed Adam’s words, “you have got to be shitting me.”

Adam laughed humourlessly, clenching his fists by his sides as he drew his shoulders up to his ears, “yep. You heard me. I love you even though you didn’t call, or visit me in the hospital when I almost died. I love you even though you moved on from me while I was still recovering from a fatal accident. I love you even though I’ve never loved anyone, anyone before.” Adam turned away, “just go Ronan.”

“You’re such an idiot,” Ronan muttered, taking Adam’s arm, “you think I don’t still love you? I love you so much I beat up your bastard father. I love you so much I would do fucking anything to change the way this all played out. I love you so much that Noah and I barely made it past one date. And I did come to visit you, you little shit. I was there as soon as you were brought into the hospital up until you started waking up. I didn’t figure you’d want me around, so I asked Gansey to tell me how you were doing. All I wanted, Adam, all I want still, is you.” 

Adam was stunned. He didn’t think Ronan Lynch had ever spoken as much in his life. Something hot was building behind his breastbone, trembling beneath his skin. He shook his head ruefully at the boy in front of him, a smile threatening to break at the confusion on his face. “We’re such idiots.”

He leaned up and kissed Ronan.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's a wrap. First fic on AO3 who's proud. Leave a comment, Kudos please if you will, and I'll possibly make a fluffier part 2. Possibly. Maybe. Maybe not.


End file.
